A lot of my titles are lyrics. Like this one. Or a lot will be lyrics. I'm not sure why I always do it, but I will. But this one might be long. I'm not sure. I always like to subject them ... before I write. & I like to title it something clever. Maybe that's why I use lyrics. I'm not sure. BUT ANYWAYS. I dunno. I feel better. I'm better. I was just. I don't know. Uptight. About. Yeah. Wow. I just said the shortest sentences of my life in a string of sentences. Gilmore Girls will be forever ruined for me now. I was watching it today. It was the one when Sookie found out she was pregnant and Paris slept with Jamie (is it bad I know this show this well?) but then my friend, Ang, texted me, "Al and Steph are dating. :\" AND SHE USED A BACKSLASH! I really had to point out the backslash, because people confuse backslashes for forwardslashes (frontslashes?). It angers me. My response to that was "I have no response to dignify my thoughts." Who the fuck says that? I mean seriously. What happened to me in my life that I speak like that? Or I would say that. And mind you that was twenty minutes after she texted me. So I obviously literally thought about it for awhile. My first thought was "there goes my happy five weeks." I've been truly happy for the past few weeks. Month? I'm not sure. I've been truly happy for the past while. I've never felt like this, honestly happy. I've been laughing. And smiling. And. I don't know! I've been happy. THE LAST TIME I SAID THIS. She didn't come near me. We ended the school year and she cried, so she didn't come near me because she didn't want to make me sad because I said that this was the best day because we were ending the school year & next year would be GREAT because it's the beginning of the ending. And I don't want to say that, because then she won't speak to me about her problems and shit because she doesn't want to make me upset. I thought I was over her. She's practically my best friend. And I don't want to make it awkward between us. Like it was the first year we hung out. It still kinda feels awkward. Hardly though. It will again though, since she's dating my ... used-to-be best friend. Well. I'm not sure what's up between us. We're just... friends? Acquaintances now? I'm not sure. We hardly talk at all. Or look at each other. It was really awkward at Warped Tour. And the he texted me afterwards "Why was Stef ignoring me?" "I didn't think she was? I'm not sure. Ask her." "I'm gonna call her tonight to see whats up." Haha. That was the conversation. It was really awkward cuz we haven't talked all ... year long. I'm really good friends with his sister though, Ang, who texted me & told me they were dating in the first place. Which was AWKWARD not to hear it from the first party. But I thought I was over her! I'm not sure what I feel anymoree. Which I hate this, cuz now it's got me ... thinking!! And thinking is never good for me. Because I over think way too much. But. Yes. They're dating again. And last time it ended horribly. I don't even remember when it ended... or how it ended. All I know is he broke her heart & she hasn't been the same since. Buuut. Liiike. We were best friend before this Steph debacle even happened. And now I'm her best friend. It's weird. But anyways Al & I were best friends before this ever happened and I was in the middle of it. Of every fight, of every conversation, of everything. And I'm (it just auto saved at 11:11 which is quite odd because now I'm thinking of Konstantine... and songs have big impacts on everything as I will explain in a few) in the middle again!!! I told her I'd ask what her thoughts were and like what he wanted in all this or whatever and right after I said that I mentally cursed myself. I'm an idiot. "FUCK I'M IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN" were the thoughts that raked my brain, I believe. But right after I heard the news, I'm not sure how I felt. I'm still not sure how I feel about this whole situation. But whatever. I'm over it. I don't know. Haha. It's a reaally weird subject right now. And then I felt weird. My eyes are so dry. But I dunno. I feel like I'm acting different now. Hmph. I dunno.
So I hung out with Ang today. She called me and asked me if I wanted to play Mario Party. Haha. I dunno. We're weird. We hang out and play video games. And she had to go to a party afterwards and wanted to kill time. So we played-- and how funny is the name WULUIGI!!! She laughed at me for laughing at the name WULUIGI! But anyways. The night was over and I was in Kendall ........ that sounded wayy overly sexual than it really was. She named her car Kendall. Why, did she name her Kendall you ask? Because there was some girl in her Spanish class named Kendall and she was pretty, and her car was pretty, so she named her Kendall. Which I thought was weird. And so my first question was what her last and middle name was. And she did not have a middle name. Or a last name. So the first song that came on was "Last Name" on her XM radio. So I said it was a sign! That Kendall wanted a last name. So the next song that came on was "LolliLolli" and I said that's her middle name! Kendall Lolli. It sounds really good. Haha. But we still have no last name for her. The next song was "American Boy" and "I Kissed A Girl" and then I was at my house and she texted me "Leavin'" was the next song and I told her it was cute because her car missed me. Haha. And I stroked her. ..the car. Kendall. I stroked Kendall. And Ang told me I was fingering her. WHICH I WAS DEFINITELY JUST STROKING HER. And I responded with "If this is fingering... Then... wow." I was going to say that she had a huge haha. I can't even say it ... verbally or through words. Haha. Because it was definitely stroking!!! Godd. I don't even know if she knows what fingering is if she doesn't know fingering from stroking. ...then I'm really sorry for her.
So I'm not sure if what I'm feeling right now if feelings towards her. Or just I really care about her. Is that the same thing? I'm not sure.
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.
He just called me. Now that he's dating one of my best friends I guess it just rekindled our relationship. Even if it was a phone call about Hong Kong.
(sorry, I felt the need to vent it all...)
Caption: Comfortably Numb
http://www.flickr.com/photos/you-did/ < creds go to her. I'm not that good of a photographer [insert incredibly angry and sad face] and not that good of a model. And I'm not as pretty as her. Or as German as her. Which is incredibly awesome. I heart her.
Hopefully this is the last time I vent about something like this. :) Let's hope for no drama between the new couple.
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