All I know is that I feel the worst I've felt the entire year. I feel so horrible. And I don't even know why. To start the day off I missed my bus. I don't even care to explain the rest of the day except I was told off by this one black bitch that I should get over George... because I'm in love with him. Sure. Whatever she wants to believe. I think in my mind that I finally got over this one girl that was pining for and now I just feel shitty and so .. terrible. I feel so angry and I can't even explain the feeling. I punched my sister about five times (she honestly asked me to). That didn't make me feel better. I'm not sure what it is. I just do not want to live this day right now. I have about twenty tests tomorrow and I am so overwhelmed with everything, maybe that's it. I have no clue.
The only good part about B-Days is Honors Art. The only good thing about A-Days is Honors World History. The rest of the fucking day can go screw itself over and over again. And I was so upset at lunch/dinner today that I can't even start to explain what happened.
My mother and I never speak. I hear things from my sister and father of what my mother says about me and what she doesn't say to me. Jen & I apparently don't love her. Which is understandable because of the way we act sometimes, I suppose. Jenny told me the other day "I understand why you don't like her much" because at the old house she was calm and serene apparently when we moved (I was five going on six) she became angry and yelling and upset everyday. Which is definitely true now. She yells at every single thing possible. She's upset about every single thing possible. Jen always yelled at me when I made her cry, when I honestly didn't do a thing. She now understands what I mean when all Jen says is something about her and she cries.
My mother thinks I am the worst child to have ever. ...When I'm probably the most desired child to have. I don't go out and drink every night. I've never failed a class. I don't sleep around with boys. I don't sleep around with girls. She thinks I don't appreciate anything in life. She thinks... She thinks I'm so immature and disrespectful, but if she saw how I acted in these situations that I've come to hand, she would know so much more different. And if I ever say "You don't know me at all." She will get very upset and angry and tell me that I don't tell her anything to know me. It's because she doesn't want to know me ... and she doesn't deserve to know me the way she treats me. She treats me like the plague. She thinks I'm so ungrateful and that I don't help out around the house and I'm not productive. She expects so much out of me. She expects me to never fail a thing. She expects me to be valedictorian, which I'm not going to be but she won't believe me. They all expect me to be extremely smart. And be a doctor. They don't expect me to voice my opinions. I'm not sure what the expect out of me anymore but I'm done. I'm seriously fucking done trying to please her and my father and my brother and my sister. I'm done trying to please my best friends. I know I'm not done acting like nothing is wrong. I'm not done with that. I will never stop that. My mother came into my room today and kept saying "Homework. Homework." And she never believes a thing I say. Even when I was young. Yesterday she got so fucking upset when I told her you can't recycle aluminum. And she got so upset when my sister told her to stop looking at her bingo card that she was just jinxing it. I don't even know what to say anymore. ...My mom told my sister to go see a hardly violent movie before I did because of something I said. OH IT WAS SMOKIN' ACES. My mother told my sister one day to see Smokin' Aces before I did because she heard it was really violent. I don't remember what I said. Oh yeah. I was giving a hypothetical situation when I killed her and my father and then my sister raised me or something. I don't even remember, but it was the least violent thing ever. I didn't even want to see that fucking movie!!
I can't speak of this anymore.
I just can't.
I've been on the verge of tears for the past week or so.
Like in gym class, when I basically started crying and Mr. Lanahan (creepoid) pulled me over and asked me what was wrong because I usually try my hardest in gym.
-Faint of Heart & Out of This Mess.
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